The past couple of weeks, I’ve been in such a slump. It may have been partly to do with the fact that I silently endured a nasty cold and worried to pieces that Jack-Evan would get sick. Consequently, I began having nightmares at night – something that hasn’t really happened since the end of my pregnancy.
Anyway, I began to feel disgusted with the day to day monotony of staying at home. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I adore being a mother and being “free” from a job – but lately, a part of me began to feel useless because my efforts are no longer earning the cold, hard cash.
I know, I know. Home-making for a family is a very high calling and a wonderful duty bestowed upon us females. I’ve read all the encouraging blogs and all of the “you can do it!” homemaking books.
But sometimes, the old feminist cultural mantras that somehow seeped into me as a teen will remind me of how much earning power I have in the business world. Then, I’ll begin to wrestle with whether we’ve made the right decision for our family. More money would do us good right now and remove that last bit of debt we’ve been hauling around the past 2 years. It would mean our cars would be paid off within a few months, a lot more luxuries, more vacations, and more Sears portrait sessions followed by Starbucks cappucinos.
I know, I know.
All of those are “materialistic” wants, money is not important, our family is who truly needs us, etc. Yet, in the real world – the moments when we’re silently staring at the dog hair wafting slowly towards the red carpet that has already been vaccuumed 20 times this week – thoughts of abandoning the stay at home lifestyle do creep in. And I’ve got enough guts to admit it too (unlike some of those blogs out there who make us feel like we should choose to be joyful at all times, under all conditions no matter what).
And what may sound strange, is that I convinced myself that those feelings of wanting to return to the working world had to do with whether our lifestyle choice was the best possible one for our family.
Many questions kept circulating through my head….. Will I be able to impart on Jack-Evan that love and relationships should take precedent over materialistic goods? Or will he grow up with a subconcious bitterness that his parents were unable to afford things he wanted? Am I prepared to watch my child “do without” or will a part of me yearn to spoil him with a room full of toys and gadgets as my parents did me? Will I be able to handle the thought that Disney World may not be in the near future for my children? As much as I dote on Jack, will I be able to say no with a clear concious when he begs for something I know a paycheck I earn could purchase for him? Those questions sound silly when put in writing -especially since others have such straitforward black & white answers for them- but they’re very real feelings that I’ve been wrestling with as a parent.
And besides, now that I’ve had a taste of bringing in a solid paycheck with all of it’s perks, it creates quite a dissonance when I’m scrubbing our toilets day after day.
So those were my thoughts this past month. With plans of homeschooling Jack-Evan and being a long term full-time stay-at-home mom, it was bound to happen that the “but look at your earning power!” train of thought would try to take ahold of me. And I almost succumbed to those terrible materialistic feelings. Almost.
A part of me even begun to feel like I was running around endlessly with no purpose in life.
Finally, the other night, I let everything out and used Kevin’s shoulder to bawl my eyes out on. Thankfully he’s a terrific listener and doesn’t mind a wet sleeve. 
He only needed to ask me a few questions to turn my heart around, back to where it should be -
“Do you truly want to go back to work? If so, then you know you can, if that will make you happy. But, in the meantime, are you prepared for our son to end up accidentally calling a babysitter Mama? In the end, do you really want to miss his first steps? Do you really want to return to the stress of the business world? Are you prepared to let someone else take over parenting our baby for more than 1/3rd of the day?”
His questioning and our subsequent conversation made me realize that what I was truly letting depress me was the skewed longing for abstract luxury, and the sinful jealousy that comes with that longing. And furthermore, I realized that no, work was not what would make me happy. What makes me happy is spending my days caring for my family and living a life free from constraints of a 9-5 job. What makes me happy is waking up every morning and knowing that should anyone I love need me, I can be there in a moment’s notice. What makes me truly happy is knowing that I am focusing all of my attention on nurturing a young life that will extend beyond my own, and affect future generations to come.
No one will ever be able to raise my child like I do. He is part of me, and I am part of him. Kevin and I are the only people alive who truly have his best interests in mind along with the means to accomplish that vision. No one can take the place of a mother in Jack’s life, and it has always been mine and Kevin’s intentions of ensuring that as a mother, I would be there 100% of the time as our children grow up. It may not be a suitable choice for others, and various families may have differeing priorities – but for us, it’s our #1 priority.
When did I begin to lose sight of all that?
I guess it was the moment I vaccuumed up the dog hair the 21st time that day and turned around to 5 baskets of laundry that needed to be put away. Sometimes housework just seems so unforgiving!
But I’m back to my old self now. Isn’t it wonderful what sharing a burden with someone you love – and with whom you have a common goal – will do for you? Speaking my fears aloud to Kevin, gave me the courage to stamp out those feelings that were trying to destroy the life we are working together to acheive.
Were those feelings of wanting to return to work wrong? No. Being a woman with a career is not wrong if it is part of your family’s overall plan. Were those feelings of wanting to lavish material goods on my child wrong? No. Every parent wants to give their child gifts and see excitement in their faces when they behold a new toy. But for us – for our family and the lifestyle we want to create together and shelter our family under – the feelings were wrong. Putting our child in a daycare and everything else that comes along with a dual-career family lifestyle would be as wrong for us as it would be if we were to actually beat our child….it’s just something we’d never consider doing as long as we’re healthy & able.
Anyway, so that uplifting conversation with Kevin took place over the weekend, and this week has felt so refreshing. It seems like there is a renewed vigor between both of us in living the lifestyle we’ve chosen. Yesterday, I even repainted our entire hallway, put on a new couch slipcover with a bit of luxury money we’d saved, and repaired the vacuum. (Ok, ok…I’ll admit..Kevin repaired the vaccuum. I just watched from far, far away).
Other odd jobs I’ve accomplished this week include cleaning & fully organizing Jack’s closet (all the way up to storing some 4T size clothes he’s been gifted!) and hanging some large picture frames I never quite got around to hanging. All of that was done in the midst of regular home duties, nursing, and playing with Jack-Evan.
And it was done with cheerful classical music playing in the background and candles burning. Just like the home-making blogs suggest we do. (I was barefoot though! FlyLady would steal my feather duster if she knew).
It feels so vigorating when you remember your “purpose” in life.
