Feeling like a Failure – I entered parenthood with the misguided assumption that if I offered all of my love & affection and did everything I could to ensure Jack’s happiness, then he would be…well…happy. That’s not always true. Regardless of how many books we’ve read, songs we’ve sung, dinners we’ve eaten, crackers we’ve snacked on, blocks we’ve played with, or games we’ve shared, there are many times throughout the day when Jack-Evan melts down, gets angry, shows frustration, or just completely ignores any attempt of comforting or effort I put forth to make him happy. I end up telling him (in the middle of a tantrum), “Jack-Evan, life is seriously not that bad.” He may not understand me now, but hopefully the message will sink into his subconscious. At least I hope it does because when Jack is unhappy, I feel like a failure as a mother. Ridiculous emotion? Yes. But it’s there, nonetheless.
Sudden Impulses of Deep Love – Yes. I adore my child. Do I feel deep, searing, heart pounding, overwhelming love every second of every day? Not always. As humans, we tend to bury heavy duty emotions during 90% of their waking hours (if we didn’t we couldn’t handle the onslaught of feelings we experience!). But at various moments, I’ll look at my son and suddenly feel such a burning in my heart that I just. have. to. squeeze him. Now this isn’t always a good thing, especially if Jack-Evan isn’t in the mood to be squeezed. But nonetheless, I do it anyway. Every part of him has to be kissed and snuggled on because he’s just. so. darned. sweet. I didn’t know such extremely deep, all empowering, body encompassing emotions existed before I gave birth!
Frustration - Before becoming a parent, you read all sorts of books on “parenting” and “child care”. No problem! you say. Piece of cake. Other children may act wild and wooley, but not mine. THIS is how I’ll parent. I’ll NEVER do such & such (spank, co-sleep, yell, etc.). I’ll offer so much love and attention, they’ll be just fine (see #1). Even if you consciously acknowledge the fact that things *may* be hard when you have kids, your subconscious doesn’t allow you to fully believe this. Then you give birth and suddenly, all of the advice from the books flies out the window when you realize that your assumed parenting philosophy does not work on this particular child. All of the tips in those books? You try them all and they seem like child’s play. You also realize how much of a fine line parents walk when correcting a child in public. It takes a long time to gain confidence and learn how to guide a particular child in “social manners”, and in the meantime, frustration abounds when nothing that you try seems to work!
Weird Anticipation of Events 20 years Hence - I’ve already fretted over the woman my son will marry. She better scratch his back when he’s tired! How dare her even THINK of hollering at MY son. (Need I say more?)
Sadness & Happiness at the Same Time – Each stage of childhood has it’s goods & it’s bads. Just when you find yourself getting comfortable with one stage, BAM, time plays a trick on you and fast forwards your kid into the next, newest, and completely different stage. Right now, Jack-Evan is in the last stages of weaning (a month long, very hard process on us). Last night, he also started his first stage of independent sleeping (we’ve co-slept since birth). Growing up is definitely hard to do…but I never realize it was just as hard on the parent as it is on the child! As I say goodbye forever to his baby days, I also excitedly anticipate our next stage of life – one in which Jack-Evan will be walking around, conversing with others in real language, and beginning to wake up to the magnitude of life surrounding him on earth.
