Little Jack’s Corner

….the title of this post is a little misleading since we’re going through a wonderfully, deliriously happy period in marriage - but we sure do know (and vividly remember) the hard times we have had. 

As some of you have previously read, I grew up in a christian school, memorizing thousands of verses in the Kings James English version of the Scriptures - and unfortunately fell into an apathy concerning that translation after graduation.  Sadly, my Bible reading suffered dramatically over the past 7 years due to that fact.  Recently, however, I have gotten back into focused scripture reading using the modern day translation / paraphrase version called “The Message”.  

I just finished up the book of Job a week or so ago - so when I saw a book called “A Man of Heroic Endurance: Job” by Charles Swindoll at the library yesterday, it attatched itself to my hand and decided to come home with me.    I’m now completely engrossed in it! 

In the book, Swindoll guides readers throughout the book of Job, his personal relationships, his trials and tribulations, and (most importantly), his amazing endurance in the face of adversity.  Using section by section scripture reference, the reader is taken along with Job as more calamities are tossed his way, and Swindoll breaks things down into ways to we can apply Job’s character to our own life.  He even breaks down the characters of Job’s wife and friends as well.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I believe I have always been unfairly judgemental about Job’s wife.  Having never given thought to her situation, I’ve always just assumed she was a vile, wicked woman who turned to hate her husband and didn’t live up to her wifely duties to “love, honor, and obey” him.  Outside of that, I’ve never thought much about her.

Swindoll, however, sheds a new light on Mrs. Job for me, personally.  Through breakdown of passages about her, he shines a light on the fact that not only had Job been a victem in it all - but she has as well.  As the wife of a (formerly) great, popular rich man like Job, she encountered a great change in her own life as well.  Not to mention the loss of her own 10 grown children and loss of intimate companionship with her husband (as he now lived outside the city suffering from the skin condition)!  When she tells Job to “curse God and die“, her words may very well be out of sheer pain from seeing so much misery occur around her.  In other words, we could think of her as saying

“Job, job, wouldn’t death be better than all of this suffering!?  You’re not dying naturally - if you just forget your integrity and curse him you will rid yourself of so much earthly turmoil!”.

Haven’t we all thought at one point that death must be better than what we’re currently enduring?  No longer do I see her as a wicked woman - but as a broken female, who in trying to deal with her own anger and bitterness, offers some tragically terrible advice to her husband.

Fortunately, Job does not heed his wife’s advice.  Nor does he get angry with her or chide her.  He merely tells her she speaks as…a foolish woman speaks.  And then he (as a good spiritual head of the household does) gently chides his wife with the piercing reminder - “Shall we indeed accept good from God, and not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10)

Charles Swindoll also brings out something about the male character that I did not realize - and gave a piece of advice that I will remember the rest of my life (see the bottom of this post to read Swindoll’s reasons behind it):

“Always guard your words when your husband is going through terribly hard times”

Over the years I have read numerous books on being a Godly wife and woman, and how to succeed in marriage, and I fully believe the notion that women hold remarkable influence over their husbands.  The old saying “Behind every good man is a good woman” has proven true many times.  We even see this occur over and over in the Bible, such as in the cases of Ester (who persuaded her King husband to revoke a law that would have killed her jewish people), in Harod’s neice, (who’s dance so enticed him that he cut off John the Baptist’s head at her request), and even with Samson (who ended up hairless, strengthless, imprisoned, blind, and finally dead, all due to his vunerability to one woman’s snares).  I’ve also found it to be true that the woman is the “climate keeper” of the home.  We have a cultural saying that fits that as well - “If Momma ain’t happy, no one is happy!”.  As women of influence, our attitudes and emotions behind closed doors determines if the house we live in is a restful retreat - or a bed of eggshells we must tiptoe through.

Ladies, what we say - even if our husbands don’t respond - pierces straight through to their hearts and souls.  As their wives and soulmates, they are at their most vunerable when they are with us.  Women often use “words” to hurt and mame - and our men take the brute force of our sharp words more than anyone.  How many times have you purposefully let something you know will hurt your husband deeply - some weakness you know that bothers him - slip from your lips just for the sheer purpose of “getting even” or “hurting him”?   Regretably, I know I have.   And I also feel an huge guilt in my soul immediately when I do because I’m always conciously aware - even if it’s just remotely aware - that I’ve just used words and his weaknesses as a bullet.  

There’s no reason to act like that!  Is that respect?  No.  We’re called to respect our husband.  As his wife, we’re the one person on earth who knows him intimately enough to distroy him if we so desired.  We are not just called to respect him in his love for us - but we are called to respect him fully, and that means mind, body and soul.  We should respect his actions, respect his thoughts, respect his feelings, respect his trials, respect his secrets, and (most importantly) respect his weaknesses.  We are his secret keeper - the guardian of his soul through our marriage bound intimacy.  

One night, this past December, this particular train of thought hit me so hard that I sobbed my soul out in Kevin’s arms for hours, apologizing over and over for hurting him in any way during our marriage.  Every little foul thing I’d ever said to him, the times I’d made him actually come to tears in front of me, the fights, the snide remarks, the disrespect I’d shown him during our first year of marriage all rolled over me so deeply that I felt as if never be forgiven.  The fact that 98% of the time, Kevin never uttered one harsh word towards me (and still hasn’t to this day) sent the pain even deeper. 

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned since getting married is that where there is two people, there will always be “conflicts” due to how each of us perceive our environment and how we’re use to doing things.  Unfortunately, we can never ever control what our spouse does.  We can influence and pray, but we can’t control or change them.  But guess who we can change?   Ourselves and our response to our spouse.  Isn’t it our responses to one another that causes fights, tensions, and (ultimately) regrets in the first place?  Our response does not have to be automatic.  We’re not ameobas, charged with reacting to the stimuli with basic responses.   We have a choice in everything - a positive reaction or a negative reaction - and that choice extends to our emotional response and words we blurt out to our spouse.

This is especially true when our husband is going through a tough time physically or emotionally!  Our words during tough times can truly “make or break” our man to the core.  Even if he doesn’t ever say so, the response of his wife and chosen companion goes straight into his soul and rests there for him to chew on in his silent thoughts as he ponders his own existence.  We don’t want to be like Job’s wife and offer advice that might destroy our husbands permanantly! 

One of the most important piece of wisdom I’ve ever buried in my heart, says “As his wife, you should support your husband’s side when he encounters personal conflict in relationships outside the marriage.”  I don’t remember where this advice even came from - some book I suppose - but it went on to give the example of how if your husband had a difficult day at work, or had a fight with his boss or friend, don’t try to reason away the situation or point out how the other party could have been right.  Your job as a wife is not to police his relationships - but to support your husband’s soul.   I’ve conciously followed this advice many times when my husband has come home and pouring out his heart about some situation at work.  And there have been times when (as an outsider) I have understood how the other party’s view of the situation may be - but I don’t mention this to Kevin.  To do so would only put a ice block in our communication!  At times like those, no husband wants to hear “well….maybe he thought this…or maybe you’re wrong…or perhaps your boss was right.”  He just needs a comforting shoulder and a sanctuary from his own pain!  Who’s side are you on - your husbands or the one who is in conflict with him?  Never leave room for doubt in his mind!!

Tonight, as I was reading about Job’s wife, along with Charles Swindoll’s breakdown of a wife’s character, I realized that his advice will now forever be engrained in my heart just as the advice from the paragraph above is.  I’ll finish off this post with the paragraph from the book that hit me the hardest.  I think it’s something that many of us women could focus more on and try to become more sensitive to….

Always guard your words when your husband is going through terribly hard times

 “…I want to confess something about us men.  Mainly, I want you to remember:  Going through sustained hard times weakens most men.  For some reason, hardship seems to strengthen women;  we admire you for that.  But we men are weakened when times of affliction hit and stay.  In our weakened condition we lose our objectivity, sometimes our stability.  Our discernment is also skewed.  Our determination lags.  We become vulnerable, and most men don’t know how to handle themselves in a vulnerable state of mind.  You women do very well with vulnerability;  we men do not.  And we become - hard as it is to admit - afraid.  When men become afraid, strange things happen inside us.  We don’t understand ourselves.  We entertain alien thoughts we would otherwise never consider.  So in light of all of this - hear me - we need your clear perspective, wisdom, and spiritual strength.  Most of all, we need you to pray for us as you’ve never prayed.  We need not only your prayers, we need your emotional support.  We need you to take the initiaive and step up….We need your words of confidence andencouragement.  We even find it hard to say, “I need you right now.”….In the lonely hours of a man’s great trial, nobody’s words mean more to him than his wife’s words.  That is one of the God-given reasons you and your partner were called to be together.  When we husbands lose our way, you wives help us find our way back.” (page 35-36)

Job: A Man of Heroic Enduance, by Charles Swindoll