Thoughts from Mom — 1 comment
02
Feb 10

Jack-Evan and the Beanstalk Playroom

Back in December, we finally got the “junk room” cleared out and prepared as a new playroom for Jack-Evan.  Using the paint I had on hand, I created a “Jack-Evan and the Beanstalk” theme on the walls. :)

This is where the Giant’s castle is going to go.  (I haven’t had the time to fill in the detail yet.)  We’re taking it sort of slow, but we plan to be finished with everything before baby #2 arrives in May.  I’ll try to remember to post photos when the entire playroom is completed!  I’m wanting to set up low shelves in here ala Montessori-style.  Jack-Evan’s large piano keyboard will also be in here.

Thoughts from Mom — 1 comment
01
Feb 10

Updating the Blog Layout & Mission

I’ve been a little bored with blogging for the past half year now.  It was easy talking about my first pregnancy on here and then sharing experiences with my son when he was under 1.  Now, however, he’s entered the toddler phase and is fast growing up – and we’re 3 months away from baby #2!  I’ve finally decided that I want to take this blog more in a direction of focusing on Jack-Evan’s learning adventures and activities he is now involved in during the day.  I also want to move away from the “busy” look of a blog and keep everything clean and minimalistic (reflecting the direction we are moving in real life!).  SO I am busy updating the layout and code of the blog, as well as figuring out all the goodies available in WordPress 2.9.1 (I haven’t upgraded since 2.7.0)!

So pardon the dust.  I’m not sure how many days it will be before everything is easy to navigate again….but I’m working on it!  Hopefully this will get me out of the blogging funk I’ve been in.  :)

Pregnancy — 2 comments
14
Jan 10

Miss Maggie Jo says Hello!

Baby #2 is a girl!

We found out today that Little Jack is going to have his very own little sister. :)

“Maggie Jo”

We’ve felt since the beginning that this baby was a girl.  Glad to have my mommy instincts confirmed!

What a great day!

Now We Are One / Pregnancy — 2 comments
31
Dec 09

We’re finding out on January 14…

…if baby #2 is a boy or girl! :)

I’m still going to update about my prenatal visits once the new year rolls in… I just have not really been in a bloggy mood for the past few months.   Plus, since Jack-Evan is getting older (he’ll be 20 months old on Monday!) I’ve been trying to decide what course of action I want to be taking with this blog.

I do so very much love putting words in his mouth (as in the “Little Jack Speaks”) posts, but as he comes more and more into his own little personality, I feel more awkward doing that to him. My husband and I still do that to him at home but doing it on a public medium as he “comes into his own” (so to speak) seems….wrong…on some level. I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t decided what I want to do with the blog.

Right now I’m leaning towards revamping it to cover the educational activities we have begun to implement. I’m trained in early childhood education, previously worked in a daycare for 5 years, and have always held a huge passion for teaching and children – and consequently, that’s where most of my abilities lie. As Jack-Evan gets closer and closer to the preschool age (which was always my favorite age to teach) I become more and more excited.

Lately I’ve been enjoying a wide variety of “Tot School” type of blogs that provide enriching activity ideas for toddlers and young children. Jack-Evan has taken well to the beading activities and absolutely adores anything with pegs. He’s also begun to accurately point out various pictures in books when asked (where’s the ball, balloon, duck, etc.). So I’m extremely excited to be going forth on this educational journey with him.

Plus, it’s down right fun. :)

In other news…. the pregnancy has been going really well. Honestly, I tend to forget I’m pregnant for the most part. As bad as it sounds, I don’t even keep up with how many weeks I am. It’s hard enough keeping track of my always on the go toddler! I always feel ashamed when people ask me and I respond with a hesitant…”um.. 14 weeks? 18 weeks? 15 weeks? I dunno, but I’m due in May!!”

The first 3 months were horrendous. Nausea, tiredness, and overall BLAHBLAHBLAH plagued me like..well..the plague.. :) But sometime in early November, things drastically improved and my energy resurged. This past week though I’ve noticed that I’m moving on to a different phase. I’m feeling more “stuffed” (and it had nothing to do with all the Christmas turkey!), my belly has sprouted about 3 inches, and my pregnant wobble-walk is beginning. Rubberbanding my pants button has also appeared, as it’s getting all but impossible to button my pre-pregnancy pants anymore.

I also feel the baby kicking a lot, and have been doing so since November. Not just tiny flutters but real hard foot-in-the-belly jabs. One night the baby even kicked me, kept his/her foot there and then slid it slowly along from my belly button to my side! It always scares me when she/he does it too. So much so that I scream. It’s quite humorous actually. What’s odd is that even though the timing is only 2 weeks off from my 1st pregnancy (twas due May 6 with that one and am due May 17 with this one!), I didn’t feel Jack-Evan kick until late January.

A lot of people say “Oh, you just know what to expect with your 2nd”. But seriously, I think if Jack would have foot jabbed me back then I would NOT have mistaken it for gas. Truly.

But anywho.

So that’s where I am right now – in the midst of my 2nd pregnancy, chasing a happy go lucky developing toddler, deciding in which direction to take this little blog, and loving every single minute of my stay at home mommy life. :)

And with that, I leave you with a few recent photos of 2009 Christmas fun!

My husband and I were Joseph & Mary in our church’s Chrismas play.
The baby doll looked so real that he fooled many in the audience!

Jack-Evan helping “DaDa” cut down the tree at our local tree farm.

Getting our tree loaded!  It’s a family tradition.  The farm we go to has a petting zoo, acres & acres of a wide variety of trees, a building to eat, a playground, a large ornament shop, and even an old fashioned trolley to ride.  It’s awesome. :)

Jack-Evan playing on Christmas eve.  The art easel in the back was a gift from his Grammy & Papa!
He likes wearing hats, but ONLY if HE puts them on.  He’ll snatch one off in a jiffy if we try to put it on him.

Another present from Grammy & Papa was Jack’s first full sized piano keyboard.
He loves music and will play the one at their house for over 30 minutes in one sitting!

On Christmas morning, after all the presents were found and played with, he snuck off by himself and devoured some of his daddy’s chocolate peanut butter cups.  He thought he was slick and no one would find out…. ;)

My poopiehead and I on Christmas night.

Happy New Year, everyone! :)

Now We Are One — 3 comments
15
Nov 09

Moving a Co-Sleeping Toddler to His Own Bed: Day 2

WRITTEN ON OCT. 1, 2009

Two nights ago I did something I never thought I woiuld do. I put my 17 month old co-sleeping, breastfed, feed-on-demand firstborn baby in his crib. It was a little after 4 am and he had been up all night, crying to nurse (we’re in the middle of weaning) and having temper tantrums. These nighttime jags have been going on for well over 3 weeks now, every night. ALLL night. We had been losing so much sleep it was ridiculous. What was strange was that even when he was a newborn we never had troubles at night with Jack-Evan. He’s always been the perfect sleeper, never even crying a bit at night!

Something had to give.

And give it did. You can read about the entire experience here. But if you’re just browsing and don’t care to read deeper, here’s the short form – my son is weaning since I’m pregnant with #2 and began to dry up. Daytime weaning is pretty much done, but night time weaning is a booger. He’s been waking up every 15 minutes begging to nurse. After a 3 hour final “battle” I picked him up, walked into his room, put him in his crib at 4:15 am (two nights ago), and there he stayed until 8:30 am. Cry? Oh yes. He howled like a pack of wolves under a full moon for 2 whole hours.  I cried about that long too.

But as I said, something had to give.

Yesterday morning, upon gathering my very-happy-to-see-mommy son from his crib, I knew that our family situation was about to change forever. Co-sleeping was never something I planned to last permanently (heaven forbid we still co-sleep in high school!), but still, he’s only 17 months old now. He’s still my baby…my first born…my current only. My heart.

Yet it was time. He was no longer happy in our big king size bed. He was getting very little sleep, Mommy was getting very little sleep, and poor Daddy (who gets up at 5 am for work) was the most unfortunate of all of us. My mommy instincts told me it was time to move on in life and that Jack-Evan was ready for his own space.

By himself.

When my husband Kevin arrived home from work last night, I had a talk with him over dinner about the changes that needed to take place. He was completely on board with it all (especially since it meant he would get a full nights rest again soon).  Plus we both hated to see our little boy so unhappy!

Later on, when it was time for bed, we gathered Jack-Evan up, gave him his bath, brushed his teeth, put on his pajamas, read him a story….

Then laid him in “Jack’s new bed!”. We also handed him the “new NU NU” (what we call a bottle of milk…since Jack-Evan called nursing “nu nu”).

Beside his crib was a blow up mattress and my own pillow where I planned to sleep (for at least a week).

Just as I thought, Jack-Evan threw a huge tantrum. But contrary to my other thought, this one only lasted 30 minutes! As I lay there on the floor in the dim Winnie-The-Pooh nightlight glow, I ignored my screaming son, with just an occasional ”Mommy’s here, Mommy loves you” to reassure him he wasn’t alone. It was hard, but at least with each passing minute I knew we were marching towards a new stage in life.

Finally the room grew quiet, with the exception of a fan we always have going for “white noise”. It was only 30 minutes into this new lifestyle change…and he was already asleep.

It took me a good 2 more hours to fall asleep. Afterall, having slept 17 months snuggled close to my child and the 9 months before that with my child snuggled inside of me, things seemed a bit odd.  But I finally fell asleep.

This morning as the 8 am sunlight streamed into the room, I heard a tiny “Mama? Maaaama?”. I turned over and there he was, looking at me through the bars of his crib.  Awake and happy.  I realized with a start that he had slept the entire night without waking.

My instincts were right….It was time for change, and we had now survived the first full night of the transition.

Now We Are One — No comments
14
Nov 09

Moving a Co-Sleeping Toddler to His Own Bed: Day 1

WRITTEN ON SEPT. 30, 2009

Well.  I did it.

I never thought I would.  But I did.

I just. couldn’t. take. it. a.n.y.m.o.r.e.!

Last night was the worst night we’ve had since Jack-Evan was born.  Even through his 2 colds and the reflux when he was tiny, we didn’t have nights like this.

It all started out normal.  Well, about as normal as any night this month has been.  Sometime between 9 and 10 pm, our normal bedtime, we prepared for bed and laid down with Jack-Evan.  For the 5th night in a row I refused to let him nurse before falling asleep….and ohhhh what a howl he let out.  It had to be the mother of all temper tantrums.

Finally, I’m not sure how, but he managed to fall asleep, as did both of us.

And all was quiet as a mouse…until 1 am.

That’s when he woke up for the first time.  After refusing him “nu nu” (his word for nursing) yet again, he then refused to sleep.  For the next 3 hours we battled in between snatches of sleep here and there.  He wouldn’t accept anything else, not his sippy cup, no water, no bottle, no milk.  He wanted his NU NU and nothing else would satisfy.  At no point did we get more than 5 minutes of sleep at a time last night.

Mommy just wanted sleep and no more sore bosoms.

Battling between my intuition and my logic, I refused to let him get on up to “play”.  After all, wouldn’t that be considered “rewarding” him for waking up and throwing temper tantrums?  I remembered all of the “words of advice” I’d read over the years about how you should hold your child, rock him, sing songs, comfort him, and show him how much he’s loved – and POOF!  - all would be well.

Weeeellll…all was not well.

My son is not one for basic comforting when he’s upset.  Touching him during a tantrum or howling mode only makes him angry.  Rocking will not suffice because that involves touching.  And singing sweet soothing songs?  Fuggitaboooutit!  Any sound that came out of my mouth, at any point, made him scream at 500 decibels louder than my own voice was.

So there we were, mom & son, battling in a huge king size bed in the dark, catching short snatches of sleep here and there.  I would lay him down in the middle, he would pop back up.  I would pull my shirt down, he would try to pull it back up yelling NU NU!!! at the top of his lungs.  He would pound my chest, I would hold his hands and lay him back down.  Back up he popped.  A few times he climbed on Daddy, hoping Daddy would wake up and force Mommy to comply to his wishes.

Daddy woke up, opened one eye, turned over and pulled the covers over his head.  But that’s about it.

By 4:15 am I had about all my frazzled mommy nerves could take.  And I did it.  Something I never in a million years thought that I, as a semi-attachment, breast-feeding, co-sleeping, easy going, baby-wearing parent, would do.

I picked up him, walked to his room, placed him in his crib, said goodnight, turned around….and walked out.

As I laid down, the house reverberated with my poor little son’s pitiful howls.  I knew he was safe.  I knew there was no danger.  Yet my heart about gave out on me.  Never in my life had I thought I’d be on a mission to just let him “cry it out”.  My mind raged with thoughts of scarring my son for life because of what I had just done.  Would he ever forgive me?  Would this ruin any chances of him ever living a normal existence?  Would he end up in therapy one day uttering to his psychologist from a couch, “Why yes, there was this one horrific moment in my childhood when it all started…”

But that’s exactly what I did.   I just let him cry it out.   As I pulled the covers over my head, I half dozed for the next 2 hours half while listening to my firstborn’s wails.  The wails of a 17 month old child who had never slept a night further than 6 inches from me. Nevermind that Jack-Evan’s room door is only 18 inches perpendicular from ours.  At least Kevin was able finally able to get an hours rest before heading off to work, considering that Jack was now crying in another room instead of directly into his Dad’s right ear.

Finally, by 6:30 am, I suddenly realized the house was quiet.  Slowly I crept out of bed, tiptoeing, lest any small floor creak would send Jack-Evan into banshee scream mode again.  Peeking out of our room door and into his, I saw his little tiny tired frame, sitting up on his pillow, staring out the window.  He was, at least, quiet now.

I crept back to bed and laid down, falling asleep until 8:30 am when I heard a tiny voice quietly utter “Mum Mum?”.  I hopped up, ran into the room to my baby, picked him up and enjoyed a 5 minute bear hug from his tiny arms.

I could sense a new era was already dawning in our development as a family.  It was a change I wasn’t emotionally prepared for, yet I had always known the day would eventually come.  My gut instinct let me know it’s finally time.

Tonight, we begin a new bedtime routine, one which involves separate beds…and separate rooms.

Pregnancy — 3 comments
13
Nov 09

Prenatal Appt #1: Tour of Birthing Center

APPOINTMENT DATE: OCT. 6

Ever since I was 6 months pregnant with Jack-Evan, I have wanted to use a mid-wife – specifically one at a Christian Birthing Center about 4 miles away from my home. My heart was set on it.

I had such a terrible experience with prenatal care with my 1st pregnancy that I felt there must be something better out there, right??

I’m not really into the homebirth, all natural, endure the pain aspect of childbirth, especially after enduring horrendous “crowning” pain even with an epidural last time. So my plan was to use the birthing center for prenatal care, and then have the midwife join me at our local hospital up the road from the center. After all, their website had said, “Whether home birth, birth at our center, or hospital birth….”

Seemed simple enough.

So on Oct. 6, at 4:00 pm, my parents loaded up with me in the car to head to my scheduled tour at the birthing center. Dad would watch the baby, while mom went on the tour with me. Kevin wanted to be there so badly, but he couldn’t get off of work.

Walking in the center, I was comforted by the sights, smell, and homey charm of the place. Surely this was the place for me!

After filling out the paperwork, the main midwife joined me.  Her plan was to catch me up with the current tour already in session.  We began talking, and I mentioned I would be having a hospital birth.

And that’s when she dropped the bombshell on me.

They have “no jurisdiction to perform a birth at the hospital”.   WHAT??   In other words, if I used the birthing center midwife for prenatal care, and then gave birth at the hospital like I wanted, she would not be able to attend the birth.

Now, if you can imagine, think about what it feels like to be a child wanting an ice cream cone.  You picture that ice cream cone all day long.  Your parents promise you an ice cream cone all day.  You hear the bells of the ice cream truck coming past your home.  Running outside with your money, all hot and sweaty from playing, you ask for a strawberry ice cream cone.

“Sorry, we’re fresh out of ice cream,” says he.

Imagine the shock.  Imagine the disappointment.  An ice cream truck with no ice cream??

A MIDWIFE WHO COULDN’T ATTEND A HOSPITAL BIRTH?

I was devastated.  I had psyched myself up for using this birthing center for over 2 years.  I had promised myself, during my prenatal visits with Jack-Evan that ONE day, some day, I would be able to use that wonderful, homey looking, Christian birthing center.

And now I was hearing that I couldn’t unless I went all-natural and gave birth IN the center itself.

So right there in the hallway, I began to cry.  I couldn’t help it, emotional pregnant hormonal lady that I was.  How embarrassing!  But I couldn’t stop.  In between heaves, she pulled me into the examining room and coaxed my history out of me, and the story behind why I wanted to use them.  I told her of all the mistakes the other doctor’s office had made in my first pregnancy prenatal care.  I told her of how they had blamed me when they forgot the 20 week anatomy scan (and didn’t discover the error until I was 30 weeks).  I told her how I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes after failing the hour test by only 4 points and then vomiting within 10 minutes of the 3 hour test.  And how I was given absolutely no support after this diagnosis and simply told “not to worry about it”.  I also explained how at 32 weeks, I went in for a required “stress test” because of the gestational diabetes and forced to stay for 4 days in the hospital on a medicinal drip, being told I was going into premature labor.  I did not dilate any during this time and felt absolutely no contractions.  I knew the baby wasn’t coming!  Yet because the monitor detected “faint” contractions, they decided what was best.  I also told her how, after the 4 day hospital stay, the on-call doctor (the same one who eventually attended my birth at 40 weeks) reviewed my charts and said I should NOT have been diagnosed with full gestational diabetes.

I then explained to the midwife how at 10 pm the night I gave birth the on-call doctor walked in the room and TOLD me they were now starting pitocin drip.    I said absolutely NOT!   I was already 8 cm’s dilated at that time (I progressed a little under a CM each hour).  I was progressing just fine by myself, thankyouverymuch.

He just shrugged, while he and the nurse exchanged annoyed looks, and said “I’ll be back at midnight and we’ll decide then.”

HELLO!  Over here!!  Angry laboring lady here in the bed…I SAID I do NOT want pitocin!  I’ve heard way too many horror stories (and known of 2 personally) where the effects of pitocin were terrible and many have resulted in a C-Section.  There was absolutely no medical reason for me to have that dripping in my poor laboring body.  I was progressing just fine in all aspects and even with the epidural in me, I could feel the pressure of each contraction just fine.

I was fully dilated within 2 hours (by 12:15 am) and gave birth to Jack at 2:04 am (May 4, 2008).  Yet to this day I do not know if they started the pitocin without me being aware of it.  They could have put anything into that IV drip if they had so desired, especially since they acted all night as if I had no right to choose how my birth progressed

I also told the midwife how excruciatingly painful the actual crowning and birth was, even considering I had an epidural.  It was such horrendous pain that I felt as if I had exited this world and entered the pits of hell itself.  Surely if childbirth hurt that bad WITH an epidural, how could I endure a non-medicated childbirth?

Then the midwife started in on how childbirth is “pressure” and not really “pain” and it’s all in perception.

And I could have slapped her.  Really.  I know the difference between pressure and pain.  It was pain.  There’s no way around it….knife stabbing, fire burning, skin tearing, gut wrenching, haul your heart to Davy Jones Locker kinda of pain.

After about 40 minutes of standing there explaining my story to the midwife, I felt somewhat better.  I wanted to use this center for prenatal care so badly, and the midwife was far more comforting and pleasant than any other medical professional I had encountered.  So, I continued with the rest of the tour.

The center was beautiful.  There were two appointment rooms that looked like a regular OBGYN appointment room.  Then there were 2 birthing suites that were just gorgeous.  The first had a lovely kingsize bed, couch, mood lighting, stereo hookups for your ipod, gripp bar for laboring when standing, and a soothing water fountain.  In the attached bathroom was a huge jetted mood-light jacuzzi for birthing.  The 2nd Queen size room had all of the same amenities, but was even more beautiful!

Down the hall was a gorgeous restroom for family, a main kitchen, a library stocked with educational birthing materials (books, videos, etc.) you could check out for free, as well as a large conference room for the various educational classes they held.

After the tour, Kevin arrived for the main consultation, while my Mom & Dad took Jack-Evan back to their house.  During the consultation, the midwife spent over 60 minutes reviewing center rules, standards, menu recommendations, appointment layout, pricing, and other various little tidbits, including some samples of raspberry flavored Vitamin C powder.   I also took a few moments to show Kevin around the center as well.

Upon paying our $50 consultation fee, I was given 2 recommendation sheets for other clinics because the birthing center outsourced all ultrasounds and labwork.  The birthing center fees, as I just found out, did not cover the outsourced fees.  Those would need to be paid directly to the other clinics out of pocket, and a few days later I would need to have an ultrasound for dating purposes since I could not remember when my LMP was.  I would also have to have full blood work done as well.

Finally everything was completed and we said our goodbyes to the midwife.

Kevin & I left the center that night around 7 pm, full of excitement about using such a wonderful, caring place for our 2nd pregnancy.  I even psyched myself up into a state where I began to think I could endure a non-medicated waterbirth considering all of the amenities I would have at my disposal – not to mention the wonderful midwife we had just bonded with.  After all, I would have 9 months to practice the different techniques, calm my nerves, and instill in myself a sense of confidence that my body could do what it was designed to do.  Perhaps, after 9 months of wonderful caring prenatal care, I would be fully capable of having that really cool water birth.  Perhaps, just perhaps, after 9 months of getting to know the same woman and knowing that in all likely hood she would be at the birth as well (something I didn’t experience with my first pregnancy as I had a different person for every visit), that I would be capable of having the waterbirth.

I could definitely do this.

Or could I?

Now We Are One — 1 comment
13
Nov 09

Moving a Co-Sleeping Toddler to His Own Bed: Prologue

WRITTEN ON SEPT. 29, 2009

The past month has been horrendous!  We’ve been trying to wean Jack-Evan from daytime breastfeeding since the beginning of September. He’s nearly 17 months old now, and although I had planned to go longer, my body is just giving out.  Since we learned of baby #2 a couple weeks ago (Sept. 15), I’ve also begun weaning him from nighttime feedings (we co-sleep). It’s just not in me to produce enough energy to make a new baby and to keep nursing a toddler. I’m giving out…drying up…withering away. Or at least, well, it feels like that. Plus it’s beginning to hurt.

The daytime weaning is semi “ok”. Jack still cries a bit when I deny him, but not as loud or as often anymore as he did in the beginning.  A few weeks ago, you would have thought the world just ended based on the howl he would let out upon hearing “no!”.   Now, however, it’s the night time that we’re having troubles with. For the past few weeks, Jack-Evan has been waking up more than 4 times per night – every night! – crying for “Nu Nu” (his word for nursing).  Of course, when I deny him, it gets reeeealllly bad.   Then he’s up, trying to crawl over the king size bed, bopping his poor daddy in the nose, and refusing to go to sleep.  He can’t be comforted, he can’t be consoled, he won’t be touched.  All he wants is his nu-nu, and he can’t understand why I’m no longer giving in…especially since he’s demand fed his whole life.

I’m just tired.  Kevin’s tired (he gets up at 5 am to head to work).

Jack-Evan is tired.

Something has got to be done.

Soon.

Pregnancy — 1 comment
05
Oct 09

Nightmares During Pregnancy: Here We Go Again

Back in March of 2008 when I was pregnant with Little Jack, I wrote a post on the increase of nightmares that had sprouted during those 9 long months.  Since then I have had many wonderful ladies write in confirming that they too have experienced this phenomenon of increased vivid nightmares!  It’s been so interesting to read everyone’s comments and it ensures me that I’m not just going nuts – this is real, and it happens to many of us.

After I gave birth in May of 2008, these nightmares did, thankfully, subside and I was once again able to sleep peacefully (well, as peacefully as a mother of a newborn can!).  But since then, I have only had one or two scary dreams – nothing like the night terrors that haunted me during pregnancy.

Wellllll….

A few weeks ago, we learned we were expecting our 2nd little bundle of joy.

And the nightmares have returned with a vengeance!

Now let me preface this by saying that I lead a relatively very boring, extremely safe, middle class, easy, stay-at-home, reading-circle, Mister Rogers, Christian, mommy’ish life.  I don’t look for trouble, don’t do drugs / alcohol, don’t believe in ghosts / spooks / haunting, and I try my best to stay upbeat and happy.   Although I use to love ‘em when I was a teenager, nowadays, at the ripe old age of 26, I don’t even watch horror movies anymore!  The last remotely scary movie I saw was the 1st “Grudge” movie, and that was way back in 2004.  That one scared me so bad I think I made a conscious decision to never watch something like THAT again!  My husband doesn’t do the scary movie thing at all and so I just am not into that stuff anymore.  TV time around here means the Hallmark Channel, Baby 1st TV, PBS, and HGTV.   Life itself is scary enough without Hollywood putting all sorts of ridiculous notions in your head!  I even avoid the local news as much as I can, and view Nancy Grace & 48 Hours Mystery only a couple times a month, if that.

Sooo, it’s not like I have all sorts of current outside influences concocting images for these dreams.

But nonetheless, I have a full force, wake-me-up, sweating, heart pounding, blood pumping, screaming nightmare every few days now.  I just woke up at 5 am this morning with one and could not go back to sleep.  In fact, I never want to go back to sleep after one – it feels akin to walking back into a log cabin when you know Jason might be there….or willingly staying at Norman Bate’s motel.  It’s something you just. don’t. do. The other day I even woke up screaming and shaking.  It took a few minutes for me to realize that the arms around me were my poor husband’s arms as he was trying to calm me down and comfort me.

During the nightmares when I was carrying Jack, only 3 dreams during the whole 9 months had to do with a baby – one was at 3 months when I dreamed I went into full labor during the 1st trimester, one was also at 3 months when I dreamed I birthed 13 kids at once, and the other was, I think, at 8 months, when I dreamed Jack had already been born and I completely lost him. In the house.  Somewhere.  Seriously.  I was beyond terrified at that one.

And following that same pattern, just like the last time, none of these current night terrors have anything to do with the baby.  They’re just extremely odd and very, very terrifying.  Nothing graphic or violent, though, strangely enough.  It’s more terrifying than that.  Things such as trying to escape from rattle snakes while on a moped, and suddenly discovering there’s no gas pedal on the moped.  Or mean people doing mean things.  Or having to go back to high school.  Or just really really odd normal-but-twisted situations that for some reason terrify the dreaming “me”.

At least when I’m not pregnant and have an occasional basic nightmare, I can always pinpoint the trigger and determine what probably caused me to dream like that.  With pregnancy nightmares however, I have absolutely no known triggers at all!  They just come suddenly, out of nowhere!

During the 1st pregnancy, I passed the dreams off as subconcious fears related to being a 1st time mom and all of the “1st time” experiences” I was facing.

But what excuse do I have now??  I mean, I’m now an established mom with 17 months of parenting under my belt.  I no longer fear circumcisions, diaper duty, or midnight crying.  First time solid food feedings, puking, shots, bathtime, and sickness has all passed before my eyes now.  Breastfeeding was a breeze, so I’m confident with that.  And, contrary to my nightmare at 8 months, I have yet to actually lose Jack, so my supervision skills have been good-to-go.

So what hidden fears do I have this time?  I did experience fear when I first learned I was pregnant this 2nd time, but I thought I had gotten over it.  Perhaps the thought of enduring labor is bothering more than I was even aware of.  I haven’t had my 1st prenatal appointment yet either (that’s tomorrow), so I haven’t been given an “all clear” yet as far as how the baby is coming along.  Could that may be affecting me as well?  Perhaps once I hear the little heart beat and the midwife gives me a due date, these early nightmares may subside.  Even with my pregnancy with Jack, the frequency of serious nightmares did not pick up until the last trimester.  How on earth am I going to endure 8 more months of sleeping with these things??  I remember it being so bad near the end last time that I didn’t even want to close my eyes at night!

Hrm.

The human psyche is truly a deep pit, one that we may never understand, I suppose.

Thoughts from Mom — 1 comment
01
Oct 09

5 Emotions I Didn’t Expect to Feel as a Mother

Feeling like a Failure – I entered parenthood with the misguided assumption that if I offered all of my love & affection and did everything I could to ensure Jack’s happiness, then he would be…well…happy. That’s not always true. Regardless of how many books we’ve read, songs we’ve sung, dinners we’ve eaten, crackers we’ve snacked on, blocks we’ve played with, or games we’ve shared, there are many times throughout the day when Jack-Evan melts down, gets angry, shows frustration, or just completely ignores any attempt of comforting or effort I put forth to make him happy. I end up telling him (in the middle of a tantrum), “Jack-Evan, life is seriously not that bad.” He may not understand me now, but hopefully the message will sink into his subconscious. At least I hope it does because when Jack is unhappy, I feel like a failure as a mother. Ridiculous emotion? Yes. But it’s there, nonetheless.

Sudden Impulses of Deep Love – Yes. I adore my child. Do I feel deep, searing, heart pounding, overwhelming love every second of every day? Not always. As humans, we tend to bury heavy duty emotions during 90% of their waking hours (if we didn’t we couldn’t handle the onslaught of feelings we experience!). But at various moments, I’ll look at my son and suddenly feel such a burning in my heart that I just. have. to. squeeze him. Now this isn’t always a good thing, especially if Jack-Evan isn’t in the mood to be squeezed. But nonetheless, I do it anyway. Every part of him has to be kissed and snuggled on because he’s just. so. darned. sweet. I didn’t know such extremely deep, all empowering, body encompassing emotions existed before I gave birth!

Frustration - Before becoming a parent, you read all sorts of books on “parenting” and “child care”. No problem! you say. Piece of cake. Other children may act wild and wooley, but not mine. THIS is how I’ll parent. I’ll NEVER do such & such (spank, co-sleep, yell, etc.). I’ll offer so much love and attention, they’ll be just fine (see #1). Even if you consciously acknowledge the fact that things *may* be hard when you have kids, your subconscious doesn’t allow you to fully believe this. Then you give birth and suddenly, all of the advice from the books flies out the window when you realize that your assumed parenting philosophy does not work on this particular child. All of the tips in those books? You try them all and they seem like child’s play. You also realize how much of a fine line parents walk when correcting a child in public. It takes a long time to gain confidence and learn how to guide a particular child in “social manners”, and in the meantime, frustration abounds when nothing that you try seems to work!

Weird Anticipation of Events 20 years Hence - I’ve already fretted over the woman my son will marry. She better scratch his back when he’s tired! How dare her even THINK of hollering at MY son. (Need I say more?)

Sadness & Happiness at the Same Time – Each stage of childhood has it’s goods & it’s bads. Just when you find yourself getting comfortable with one stage, BAM, time plays a trick on you and fast forwards your kid into the next, newest, and completely different stage. Right now, Jack-Evan is in the last stages of weaning (a month long, very hard process on us). Last night, he also started his first stage of independent sleeping (we’ve co-slept since birth). Growing up is definitely hard to do…but I never realize it was just as hard on the parent as it is on the child! As I say goodbye forever to his baby days, I also excitedly anticipate our next stage of life – one in which Jack-Evan will be walking around, conversing with others in real language, and beginning to wake up to the magnitude of life surrounding him on earth.