I attended a private, conservative baptist christian school my entire life - from the moment I started Kindergarten until the day I walked down the aisle as a high school graduate.  During these 13 years I learned, memorized, and read thousands upon thousands of Bible verses - all of which were in the King’s english.  The school I attended believed in reading the King James Version only.  We were even taught about the various “evils” of other translations (especially those that left out reference to Jesus’ blood).

One of the maladies of attending a christian school is that apathy and familiarity often sets in.  I hate to admit that it also happened to me, but it did.  As soon as a verse was read, the thought of “oh, whatever, I already know this” would creep in.  I could quote just about any passage you’d ask for, without missing a thee or a thou anywhere.  But did I fully understand it?  I tried.  Really, I did.  But familiarity with something often makes it seem boring.  In my mind, I knew the Word of God was alive and even reading it every day, one could continue making new discoveries throughout their entire life.  But in my heart, I just wasn’t “feeling it”.

And I definately wasn’t “feeling it” during my senior year of high school when some terrible things happened in my life, including the death of both of my grandmothers as well as the sudden death of my 17 year old boyfriend - someone who I had based my whole future upon.  I blamed everything on the supreme ruler I knew as “God”.  My whole world crashed in on me and I understood none of it.  How could all of this bad stuff happen?  I was the good girl - never balked authority, didn’t drink or smoke or do drugs, never partied, was involved in many church activities, had kept myself “pure” - yet my life seemed worse off than many of my so-called friends who were messing around with the darker and perverted side of adult life.  Even Isaiah 55:8 (”For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD”) didn’t help. 

There was no comprehension in me as to why God would let such horrible things happen to me.  After graduation (2001) and up through 2005, the pain lingered as well as a deep abiding hatred for who I knew as the God of my childhood.   I still attended church and never told anyone how I felt - but it was all action and no heart. 

At best, one could say I became agnostic.  At worst, atheist.  I’m not sure however what prevented me from completely abandoning a symblance of faith - perhaps it was my own fear (born out of my years as a devout young believer) or perhaps it was the power of God himself that kept me from being plucked from Jesus’ hand (John 10:29). 

After my boyfriend died when we were 17, I had no inclination towards wanting to date.  In fact, my only date over the next 4 years was one blind date I had one night courtesy of my Aunt wanting to hook me up with someone.  My next date didn’t occur until my 21st birthday.  Every guy I knew was judged up to the standard of the guy I had loved & lost - and no one met that standard.  I cared for no one, and my heart was harder than diamonds (although not as shiny!).  From 2001 until 2005 I had one person who I considered a boyfriend (although that only lasted 5 months in early 2004 - we both knew we weren’t meant for each other in the long run), and only casually dated 2 other guys after that (never considered them anything deeper).  I knew in my heart that when I met the man that I was supposed to marry (if there was such a thing) I would know it instantly.  Playing games wasn’t my style, and I knew that if I didn’t feel the same deep connection as I had with my first true love, then I didn’t even need to bother too long with a guy.  Honestly, I didn’t even believe God had anyone else out there for me.  Mostly, I had resigned myself to a lifetime of singledom.

During this time I tried hard to open my heart back to God and would feel his tugging at times - but the pain was far too great and my understanding of why he had let things happen was far too shallow.  I ventured out and purchased a New International Version of the Bible (my first time reading outside of the KJV) in 2003 and for a time thought I was back on the right path.  But it didn’t last.  The verses were all too familiar, all too contrived, all too lofty and uninspiring.  To me they were something I’d learned years ago, and represented an unfair, hateful God who took away those I loved with no thought for my future.

The last pure pain moment I had was in the middle of August, 2005.  The last words I wrote in a journal entry was “I hate my life”.   Two weeks later in late August, while at a Tuesday night revival at our church, I met Kevin and it felt like peace entered me immediately.  Growing up, my mom use to tell me “you should go to church every time the doors open - you never know who you’ll meet!”.  Imagine how surprised she was at her own “fulfilled prophesy”!  I knew that night that this was the man God had set on earth for me.  Our first date was one week later, and we were engaged on October 1st, 2005.   I went from never dating to being engaged in less than 6 weeks - and we were married on June 17, 2006.  

The more I learned (and continue to learn) about Kevin, the circumstances of our lives, the weeks leading up to our first meeting, our character traits, our strengths / weaknesses, and our needs, the more I realize how much of God’s hand was at work in bringing us together - not to mention the fact that no guy my age had ever crossed the doors of our very small church in the 16 years I had attended. 

My soul then opened up for the first time in over 5 years as my focus shifted from blaming God for taking away “my future husband” in a tragic death, to realizing that God had different - and special - plans for my life all along.

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.  9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.  10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:  11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.  12 For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

After meeting Kevin I found new meaning in Isaiah 55 and a renewed faith and awe in God.  Yet I still could not shake the apathy and familiarity I felt with the KJV.   Reading it reminded me of nothing more than my years at a private Christian school that had ended so terribly.  It was lofty, sounded snooty, and was for the most part hard to understand in many areas due to the language differences (despite the fact that I had spent 13 years memorizing it in school). 

About a week ago, I pulled out a copy of the new testament in “The Message” version from my bookshelf.  It had been purchased on a whim 3 years ago but never read.  And I began to read it this time - and I am so glad I did.  I’ve read more, and understood more, in the past few days than I have in many, many years.  This particular version is set in modern day english language verbiage and idioms, translated directly from the greek / hebrew language, and is meant to be more of a “reading” version than a serious study version.  Ancient text wasn’t written in thee’s and thou’s, but in the every day language of the prophets, laymen, tax payers, doctors, and fishermen.   The translator’s goal of this version was to convey the message of God’s Word in the same manner that it was conveyed thousands of years ago - in the street language of the people of the time.  How many of us truly and deeply understand the King’s English, with it’s medival poetic prose?  Not too many, if you’re willing to admit it.  This modern version, The Message, speaks to the hearts of many who have trouble understanding (or feel apathy towards) the King James Version.  It has brought so many things alive for me in a way I haven’t known in over a decade and it’s created the hunger to do something I’ve never really done - read the Bible for pure pleasure and understanding.  Isn’t that what God wants in the first place?

Since starting, I’ve read from the beginning of Matthew all the way through the end of 2nd Corinthians (a feat I’d never done in all the years of “KJV theology study” at school).  Last night, my husband took me to the Bible bookstore and bought me a beautiful leather bound full copy of The Message (containing old and new testament) for me as well and I dove into it as soon as we arrived home.  By 2 am this morning I had made it through Genesis and Exodus.  We also read a “daily proverb” chapter before bed - and my husband loved it (he has more trouble than I do understanding the King James English).  We hope to do the proverbs chapter reading each night now.  It is just so refreshing!

After I finish up this post I’m headed to my mom’s house to visit for a few hours and will be taking my new little leather copy with me to read some more - and what’s great is that I’m thoroughly excited and anxious to begin reading it again.  Everything just seems brand new to me all over again.

Tagged: christian

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