October, 2009

Pregnancy — 1 Comment
5
Oct 09

Nightmares During Pregnancy: Here We Go Again

Back in March of 2008 when I was pregnant with Little Jack, I wrote a post on the increase of nightmares that had sprouted during those 9 long months.  Since then I have had many wonderful ladies write in confirming that they too have experienced this phenomenon of increased vivid nightmares!  It’s been so interesting to read everyone’s comments and it ensures me that I’m not just going nuts – this is real, and it happens to many of us.

After I gave birth in May of 2008, these nightmares did, thankfully, subside and I was once again able to sleep peacefully (well, as peacefully as a mother of a newborn can!).  But since then, I have only had one or two scary dreams – nothing like the night terrors that haunted me during pregnancy.

Wellllll….

A few weeks ago, we learned we were expecting our 2nd little bundle of joy.

And the nightmares have returned with a vengeance!

Now let me preface this by saying that I lead a relatively very boring, extremely safe, middle class, easy, stay-at-home, reading-circle, Mister Rogers, Christian, mommy’ish life.  I don’t look for trouble, don’t do drugs / alcohol, don’t believe in ghosts / spooks / haunting, and I try my best to stay upbeat and happy.   Although I use to love ‘em when I was a teenager, nowadays, at the ripe old age of 26, I don’t even watch horror movies anymore!  The last remotely scary movie I saw was the 1st “Grudge” movie, and that was way back in 2004.  That one scared me so bad I think I made a conscious decision to never watch something like THAT again!  My husband doesn’t do the scary movie thing at all and so I just am not into that stuff anymore.  TV time around here means the Hallmark Channel, Baby 1st TV, PBS, and HGTV.   Life itself is scary enough without Hollywood putting all sorts of ridiculous notions in your head!  I even avoid the local news as much as I can, and view Nancy Grace & 48 Hours Mystery only a couple times a month, if that.

Sooo, it’s not like I have all sorts of current outside influences concocting images for these dreams.

But nonetheless, I have a full force, wake-me-up, sweating, heart pounding, blood pumping, screaming nightmare every few days now.  I just woke up at 5 am this morning with one and could not go back to sleep.  In fact, I never want to go back to sleep after one – it feels akin to walking back into a log cabin when you know Jason might be there….or willingly staying at Norman Bate’s motel.  It’s something you just. don’t. do. The other day I even woke up screaming and shaking.  It took a few minutes for me to realize that the arms around me were my poor husband’s arms as he was trying to calm me down and comfort me.

During the nightmares when I was carrying Jack, only 3 dreams during the whole 9 months had to do with a baby – one was at 3 months when I dreamed I went into full labor during the 1st trimester, one was also at 3 months when I dreamed I birthed 13 kids at once, and the other was, I think, at 8 months, when I dreamed Jack had already been born and I completely lost him. In the house.  Somewhere.  Seriously.  I was beyond terrified at that one.

And following that same pattern, just like the last time, none of these current night terrors have anything to do with the baby.  They’re just extremely odd and very, very terrifying.  Nothing graphic or violent, though, strangely enough.  It’s more terrifying than that.  Things such as trying to escape from rattle snakes while on a moped, and suddenly discovering there’s no gas pedal on the moped.  Or mean people doing mean things.  Or having to go back to high school.  Or just really really odd normal-but-twisted situations that for some reason terrify the dreaming “me”.

At least when I’m not pregnant and have an occasional basic nightmare, I can always pinpoint the trigger and determine what probably caused me to dream like that.  With pregnancy nightmares however, I have absolutely no known triggers at all!  They just come suddenly, out of nowhere!

During the 1st pregnancy, I passed the dreams off as subconcious fears related to being a 1st time mom and all of the “1st time” experiences” I was facing.

But what excuse do I have now??  I mean, I’m now an established mom with 17 months of parenting under my belt.  I no longer fear circumcisions, diaper duty, or midnight crying.  First time solid food feedings, puking, shots, bathtime, and sickness has all passed before my eyes now.  Breastfeeding was a breeze, so I’m confident with that.  And, contrary to my nightmare at 8 months, I have yet to actually lose Jack, so my supervision skills have been good-to-go.

So what hidden fears do I have this time?  I did experience fear when I first learned I was pregnant this 2nd time, but I thought I had gotten over it.  Perhaps the thought of enduring labor is bothering more than I was even aware of.  I haven’t had my 1st prenatal appointment yet either (that’s tomorrow), so I haven’t been given an “all clear” yet as far as how the baby is coming along.  Could that may be affecting me as well?  Perhaps once I hear the little heart beat and the midwife gives me a due date, these early nightmares may subside.  Even with my pregnancy with Jack, the frequency of serious nightmares did not pick up until the last trimester.  How on earth am I going to endure 8 more months of sleeping with these things??  I remember it being so bad near the end last time that I didn’t even want to close my eyes at night!

Hrm.

The human psyche is truly a deep pit, one that we may never understand, I suppose.

Thoughts from Mom — 1 Comment
1
Oct 09

5 Emotions I Didn’t Expect to Feel as a Mother

Feeling like a Failure – I entered parenthood with the misguided assumption that if I offered all of my love & affection and did everything I could to ensure Jack’s happiness, then he would be…well…happy. That’s not always true. Regardless of how many books we’ve read, songs we’ve sung, dinners we’ve eaten, crackers we’ve snacked on, blocks we’ve played with, or games we’ve shared, there are many times throughout the day when Jack-Evan melts down, gets angry, shows frustration, or just completely ignores any attempt of comforting or effort I put forth to make him happy. I end up telling him (in the middle of a tantrum), “Jack-Evan, life is seriously not that bad.” He may not understand me now, but hopefully the message will sink into his subconscious. At least I hope it does because when Jack is unhappy, I feel like a failure as a mother. Ridiculous emotion? Yes. But it’s there, nonetheless.

Sudden Impulses of Deep Love – Yes. I adore my child. Do I feel deep, searing, heart pounding, overwhelming love every second of every day? Not always. As humans, we tend to bury heavy duty emotions during 90% of their waking hours (if we didn’t we couldn’t handle the onslaught of feelings we experience!). But at various moments, I’ll look at my son and suddenly feel such a burning in my heart that I just. have. to. squeeze him. Now this isn’t always a good thing, especially if Jack-Evan isn’t in the mood to be squeezed. But nonetheless, I do it anyway. Every part of him has to be kissed and snuggled on because he’s just. so. darned. sweet. I didn’t know such extremely deep, all empowering, body encompassing emotions existed before I gave birth!

Frustration - Before becoming a parent, you read all sorts of books on “parenting” and “child care”. No problem! you say. Piece of cake. Other children may act wild and wooley, but not mine. THIS is how I’ll parent. I’ll NEVER do such & such (spank, co-sleep, yell, etc.). I’ll offer so much love and attention, they’ll be just fine (see #1). Even if you consciously acknowledge the fact that things *may* be hard when you have kids, your subconscious doesn’t allow you to fully believe this. Then you give birth and suddenly, all of the advice from the books flies out the window when you realize that your assumed parenting philosophy does not work on this particular child. All of the tips in those books? You try them all and they seem like child’s play. You also realize how much of a fine line parents walk when correcting a child in public. It takes a long time to gain confidence and learn how to guide a particular child in “social manners”, and in the meantime, frustration abounds when nothing that you try seems to work!

Weird Anticipation of Events 20 years Hence - I’ve already fretted over the woman my son will marry. She better scratch his back when he’s tired! How dare her even THINK of hollering at MY son. (Need I say more?)

Sadness & Happiness at the Same Time – Each stage of childhood has it’s goods & it’s bads. Just when you find yourself getting comfortable with one stage, BAM, time plays a trick on you and fast forwards your kid into the next, newest, and completely different stage. Right now, Jack-Evan is in the last stages of weaning (a month long, very hard process on us). Last night, he also started his first stage of independent sleeping (we’ve co-slept since birth). Growing up is definitely hard to do…but I never realize it was just as hard on the parent as it is on the child! As I say goodbye forever to his baby days, I also excitedly anticipate our next stage of life – one in which Jack-Evan will be walking around, conversing with others in real language, and beginning to wake up to the magnitude of life surrounding him on earth.